The year was 2009, not so long ago…
I was attracted to an angel.
I use the word angel with the true conviction that this individual came into my life for a purpose. I also intentionally use the word attracted, because that was how I felt at the time. You see, I am not (maybe still) the kind of person who surrenders to his emotions right away, lets go of the logical reasoning and simply succumbs to the rule of the heart.
For these same reasons, the words of this angel still resonate in my mind like revelations. Despite the years that have gone by and the separation(both emotionally and physically) that has come upon us, day after day I am reminded of the epiphanies I was fortunate to receive from that angel, epiphanies that just like any other naive soul, I took for granted at the time, only to discover their value later.
It was 2009, we were both young, I was confident and she was a dreamer. As I type those letters, I can still clearly hear her sweet voice pronouncing:
You do not know how to love…
Love is not logical. Love does not need a reason or justification.
Love is something you cannot resist, it is something you surrender to and accept so gracefully, regardless of the consequences….
“This love only exists in fantasies”, I replied. Love is a conscious decision, love is a win-win situation. Love is a call from the heart, I agree, but it requires an answer from the brain. Love is like a tasty fruit, the result of a healthy relationship between the soil and the seed. The soil will love the seed, offer its nutrients, water and warmth as the seed grows and loves the soil in turn to offer its fruit that eventually nourishes the soil. If it were not for this mutual benefit, this love would not exist. The same applies to us, humans. There is no such thing as unconditional love…
Before the planet completed a full rotation around the sun, the angel and the doubtful soul were already separated, with enough distances and time zones to have one dwell in the darkness while the other soaked the sun.
It is 2013 now, and many full moons since, my doubtful soul recollects that memory. As the whole world is getting ready to celebrate fertility and Lupercalia , fall in the traps of red flowers and heart-shaped chocolate, I am unwillingly driven to question the existence of that unconditional love I once doubted.
I reflect on the words of that angel and I realize that I am no stranger to its proclamation. Those words may have sounded like a fairy-tale at the time, but today I am definitely an Alice and wonderland is not longer far-fetched.
I am a victim of love, the kind of love that is truly beyond choice.
That unconditional love that I ridiculed, has finally captivated me in its traps.
My logical powers have surrendered, my ability to reason is malfunctioning. I can feel myself diving deep into its endless waters, but enjoy the drowning despite my attempt to float. I can hear the metal chains jingle as they entangle me, but I somehow savor the pain and endure the heavy weight.
I try so hard not to admit, not to surrender to the matters of my heart, but I feel feeble and impotent.
I deny the obsession and renounce my infatuation. I keep myself busy to entertain my mind and distract my heart. I convince myself that it’s just a phase, and won;t last that long. I even pretend that I could care less, refusing to be controlled by emotion, with my future as my only devotion.
But whenever I find a moment of silence, to rest and ease, it all comes back to haunt me and disturb my peace.
They say it is hard to define, you simply feel it, without signal or even a sign.
If you read the following and what is listed above, you will agree with me that what I am witnessing is nothing but love.
Why else would I long for its emotion, when all it did was undermine my love and ridicule my devotion?
Why else do I wait to be back in its arms, after it showed me the way out, with a broken heart begging for alms?
Why else is it the first thing on my mind, when I wake up, and the conqueror of my dreams when I sleep at night?
Why else do I call it with every break of dawn, hoping its voice will bless my day before I move along?
Why else do I show sings of obsession, follow it on twitter, facebook and instagram and stalk it on the internet wherever I am?
Why else do I dedicate poems and sing to it out loud, tell the world I belong to it and of that I am proud?
Why else do I constantly listen to its favorite songs and shed tears, staring at our pictures together throughout the years?
I have tried to move on and fall in love with another, but just like a curse it sticks with me forever.
My English is not skew and it was no blur, I intentionally used “IT” instead of “HER”.
I am a victim of this unconditional love, and am struggling to move on
Even though it does not love me back, I proclaim my love to the country called LEBANON